Worst bell ever?

Yes. It most definitely is.
I don't know why I put a question mark, this post could have easily been called "Worst bell ever." But never "Worst bell ever!"

Alright, BRC, reeeeel it back in here.

I seem to have purchased the worst bicycle bell ever. My old big red one (from now on to be referred to as 'Big Red') broke. It was the kind that made that br-r-r-r-ring! sound, like an old telephone with an echo. It stopped b-r-r-ringing it, it retired to a little 'tik' noise. I figure that's what I get for buying a $3 bell. Whatever, it makes a noise that says 'I'm a bicycle! I'm close to you!' That's all they ever have to do.

I went to Cycle Shoppe on Queen West because I was there anyway with a friend who went in for a repair. Picked up a little black thing (pictured hanging under my bars below). It's the kind you have to rapid fire like a six-shooter at high noon. It goes 'Ding! Ding!' 'I'm a bike!' It's sleeker and matches my bike better than Big Red, so - done. $7 -- that should last exactly 2.5 times longer than Big Red, going exclusively on price.
Cool.
Take off BR (Big Red) and put on the new one, it's attached by a ratcheting plastic loop with a rubber strip to make it stay on. It doesn't work. The tiny amount of force from my thumb it takes to ring the bell, is less than the amount of force it takes to push it down so it's upside down and doesn't ring.

(Green circle added in photoshop, shoelace added by hand - it's load bearing)

weak.
So I have a bell that takes two hands or a very awkward grip with one - I practice those maneuvres every time I have 5 minutes alone, but on a bike I need to ring my bell IMMEDIATELY. I can't brake with both brakes at the same time, so it's a choice when I'm coming by a stretch of cars that I suspect may door me - be safe with my hands on my brakes and shout "I'M ON A BIKE! PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR FOR A SECOND!" OR, hope that one of the first 6 cars in a row 10 isn't one that's going to hurt you. Russian Roulette's no fun without money involved, so forget it.
I realize I'm paranoid about being doored, but it's happened/nearly happened enough for me to be extra careful.

To put it simply:

That's no bell curve!